When “What Do You Need?” Feels Like an Impossible Question: Reconnecting With Your Feelings and Learning to Recognize Your Needs

Do you ever find yourself searching for the right words—any words really—when asked by someone in your life how they can support you? The question may come as a surprise, especially to those of you who are used to problem solving and figuring things out on your own. 

I frequently find that many people have difficulty looking inward and clearly identifying what it is they may need in any given moment. When asking my clients what their Self needs in this moment, even in the space of therapy, many individuals pause for a few seconds before saying “I’m not sure, actually.”  

I also admire the honesty and courage it takes for my clients to admit when a practice feels difficult or unfamiliar, as it provides us with a chance to get curious about what is happening. Upon reflection, many clients often find that there is a gap in self-awareness when it comes to two things 1. needs identification and 2. needs expression. 

Speaking from my wide variety of experiences as a clinician, for so many individuals choosing to enter therapy, they seek care to address relationship concerns, most of which are rooted in communication difficulties. Oftentimes, a starting point in or work is helping clients gain greater awareness of their needs. By becoming more practiced at recognizing these needs, they can better meet their own needs. They can also move toward greater clarity in their relationships by being more direct about what it is they are wanting in their partnerships, friendships, family relationships and work partnerships.

People who struggle to communicate their needs in relationships have different reasons as to why this process feels difficult. This article is focused on individuals who have difficulty accessing language around what is is that they are needing. Moreover, this post is for the those who truly struggle in identifying what it is that they need in real time.

Questions such as “what do you need from me?” or “how can I help?” can feel almost impossible to answer for people who are lacking the awareness and/or regular practice of needs identification. 

If you have ever spent time with someone who has a hard time expressing their needs, this can often look like difficulty asking for help, challenges in articulating what they want from you even when you ask directly, or struggles with stating a preference related to everyday decisions such as picking a restaurant, selecting a movie or show to watch, or identifying something fun to do. 

If you have ever had a relationship with someone who has difficulty with needs expression you may find yourself frustrated by what feels like indecisiveness. You may question: “Why aren’t they stating what they want? It’s not that difficult. How can I show up for them if they can’t even let me be there for them? “

The reality of these dynamics is that people who have trouble expressing their needs oftentimes struggle to self-identify what it is that they need for themselves. They may have difficulty identifying personal preferences related to coffee, a food order, books, the type of music they would want to listen to, or even how they would like to spend their free time. 

They may also have trouble with identifying their needs in a relationship, whether that is quality time, affirmations, gift giving, acts of service or an entirely different category of need.

The truth of the matter is that these individuals are not inherently trying to be difficult. In fact, they may find themselves feeling frustrated with themselves because they cannot articulate what is it that they want or need from the loved ones in their lives. 

For many who struggle with needs expression, they simply have not spent much time taking inventory of their own preferences, wants and desires. They may be so used to catering to the needs of others, moving at high speed in the workplace, constantly being on the go, or solving other people’s problems that they haven’t had much practice slowing down and asking themselves: "What is it that I need right now?”

The pattern can become almost automatic: Someone asks what you want or need → your mind goes blank → you feel stuck or shut down → you respond with “I’m not sure” or “Whatever you’d like sounds good” → You may then default to accommodating the needs or preferences of your partner, friend, parent, family member or whoever else is making the decision. 

The difficulty is that every time this happens there is a missed opportunity to pause and take inventory of yourself. Instead of getting curious about what you might want, need, prefer, or even not want, the automatic response takes over. Gradually, “I don’t know” can become so familiar that we stop questioning whether we truly don’t know—or whether we simply haven’t given ourselves enough time and space to figure it out. 

When this pattern repeats it can contribute to feeling increasingly disconnected from yourself. Identifying your needs is a skill, and like any skill it requires repetition in order to fine-tune and strengthen the muscle. Part of developing that practice may simply be learning to tolerate the pause between being asked a question and having an answer.

It is also worth mentioning that sometimes individuals who struggle with decision fatigue can present with the same pattern of feeling stuck or shut down, but their indecisiveness is not to be mistaken for lack of awareness of their needs. It is more directly tied to the compounding effect of being overly responsible for every decision in their lives as well as those of loved ones which can result in mentally checking out due to sheer exhaustion.

One of the hidden costs of this pattern is an underdeveloped sense of your own preferences, desires, wants and needs. If you rarely pause to ask yourself what you want or need in this moment, it becomes increasingly difficult to articulate those wants or needs to someone else. How can I communicate my needs if I haven’t first taken the time to slow down, reflect, and get curious about what they are?

This pattern can also contribute to a continued abandonment of self. When the automatic response is to go along with everyone else, you may gradually find yourself participating in relationships, routines or experiences that reflect the preferences of the people around you more than your own. Resentment can begin to build—not necessarily because someone prevented you from having what you want, but because you find yourself continually in a cycle of going with the flow and feeling unfulfilled, stuck, dissatisfied or even confused as to the direction your are going, be it in the relationship or with life decisions, small and large.

There can also be a relational cost. The people who care about you may genuinely want to understand how to support you while becoming frustrated or confused when they repeatedly hear “I don’t know” or “whatever you want.” They may have difficulty knowing whether you are happy, content, fulfilled or simply accommodating them. What may look like indecisiveness on the surface can therefore create distance on both sides: one person feels increasingly disconnected from themselves, while the other struggles to know how to connect with them.

A small practice for this week

When you recognize that you are having an emotional response I want you to practice getting curious. Think of yourself as an observer taking note of what is happening internally. We are not trying to change what is happening, but rather are witnessing it—as if we were  a new hire job shadowing and jotting down noteworthy observations or learning moments. The key here is that we are noticing without judgment. 

Step 1: Notice - What is happening in my body, mood, thoughts or urges?

I am recognizing that my mood has shifted and I am feeling more unpleasant. There is tension in my chest and my thoughts are starting to race. I am feeling upset and want to lash out at my partner by sending a long text message/rant.

Step 2: Label - What am I feeling right now?

In this moment, I am feeling frustrated and angry toward my partner. They came home and went straight to their room to change clothes and go workout, even though they saw me in the kitchen preparing food. 

Step 3: Get Curious - What happened? What was I hoping or expecting? What feels important here?

I am feeling frustrated and angry because I expected them to ask me about how my day was before going to the gym. Their behavior feels so self-focused. They can see me preparing dinner for both of us and didn’t offer to help either. 

Step 4: Identify the Need - What do I need in this moment or in future situations like this?

I need to take several breaths to calm down. In the future, I would like my partner to ask how my day is and if I need any help with food preparation. 

Step 5: Validate Your Feelings and Needs - Can I affirm that this feeling/need makes sense without judging myself for having it?

It is reasonable to want my partner to check in about how my day was, as well as ask if I need any help. I am feeling tired and this contributes to feeling unsupported when I am doing household labor and don’t see my partner offering to contribute.

Step 6: Engage in Compassionate Perspective Taking - What else might be true? Is there information I don’t have? Could the other person reasonably have known what I needed?

I can also understand that my partner cannot anticipate my needs at any given moment or read my mind. They see me as capable and are likely just following our usual after-work routine in which they work out and then help with the cleanup after.

Step 7: Take a small action - Is there something I can do for myself, ask for, communicate or change?

I will work on communicating my need for emotional support when I am in a grounded place and let my partner know why I was feeling angry and frustrated. My ask would be for them to check in about my day or ask if I need any kind of help in the future when they see me working on a meal.

The key here is to be a mindful observer of your own life. We want you to start getting very curious about those subtle sensations in the body that show up around decision-making, the urges that present themselves and what is happening in the mind. The second key is to exercise self-compassion in the process. When practicing a new skill it may feel a bit clunky, especially if the autopilot response has been to go with the flow and not second guess. 

What I am asking you to do is simply take a pause the next time someone asks you where you’d like to eat and reflect on: “What is it that I need in this moment?” Then take inventory. Take a few minutes to check in with your body, your mind and your intuitive wisdom, and take note of how that feels. 

And then say it with your chest.

Whatever the intuitive knowledge is, I want you to say it confidently and without immediately walking it back. This is how we start showing up for ourselves. In a world where there are so many demands for our attention and time, this is one way we can honor our needs. We are allowed to let our Self take the driver’s seat. And truly, who would you rather have behind the wheel than you?